Répliques d'Emerson

Saison 1:

Emerson: You know what? We all have childhood issues, okay? Believe me, I got the full subscription, okay? Horror stories!
Ned: I kind of killed her dad when I was ten.
Emerson: Maybe not horror stories.

*******

Ned: (to Chuck)I thought you didn't want the reward.
Chuck: No, I wanted you not to want the reward.

*******

Emerson: Sounds like you're a narcoleptic.
Ned: I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable attacks of deep sleep?
Emerson: What's the other one?
Ned: Necrophiliac.
Emerson: Words that sound alike get mixed up in my head.
Olive: Me, too. I used to think "masturbation" meant chewing your food. (awkward silence) I don't think that anymore.

*******
Emerson: Now that's narcoleptic, necrophilia's the other one?
Ned: Yeah.

*******

Chuck: You don't like dead bodies, do you?
Emerson: Not when they sit up and talk.

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Emerson: (regarding the fact that a crash test dummy was Bernard's murderer) It's a dead end. And not the kind of dead end you can un-dead and then re-dead again...like you're supposed to.

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Emerson: If I wanted to mingle with a bunch of geeks wearing leotards, I'd have stayed in art school.

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Chuck: Isn't that what a PI's supposed to do? Investigate. Isn't that the fun part?
Emerson: The fun part's countin' my money in the bubble bath.

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Emerson: Rhubarb.
Olive: What's that mean.
Emerson: PI secret code for "Get me a damned slice of rhubarb."

*******

Emerson: I'm not God, but if I was I'd be an angry God.

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Emerson: (to Ned) Future Me is saying 'I told you so' all upside your head... but Now Me is standing here quietly.

*******

Emerson: I have not yet expressed my opinion.
Ned: Would you care to express it now?
Emerson: My opinion is you need to take a coupon for this conversation and redeem it at another date.
Ned: I want to use my coupon now.
Emerson: Redeem it tomorrow.

*******

Chuck: How did the somebody die?
Emerson: He said it felt like life just got up and left him, like I'm going to get up and leave you.

********

Ned: Just because there's a dead body doesn't mean you're going to get paid.
Emerson: Just because there's vodka in my freezer doesn't mean I have to drink it. Wait, yes it does.

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Ned: And what's a rooftop full of bees compared to someone who can catch her when she falls? I can't catch her, Emerson.
Emerson: Can't suck on her toes neither...
(Ned gives an odd look)
Emerson: Some women like that!

*******

Emerson: You can't die of evilness.
Chuck: Happens all the time you do something mean or hurtful to someone like tell a secret... Bang! You're dead.
Olive: Or Bang! You're not really dead you're just pretending to be dead while other people who think you're dead are heartbroken.
Emerson: Or Bang! You talk too much and you both go wait in the car.

*******

Olive: Maybe John Joseph faked his death, people do that all the time.
Emerson: No they don't
Olive: Yeah they do. Sometimes they just don't even try to cover it up. They just show up and ruin your life like no one's ever going to figure it out, but then you do figure it out because you're not an idiot. Are you an idiot?
Emerson: No, because an idiot might misunderstand what you're saying and hit you with a shovel.

*******

Emerson: There's a legless skeleton of a horse in John Jacobs' tomb, and Olive knows you're dead.
Chuck: First of all, huh? And secondly, Olive thinks that I faked my death which is completely different to knowing that I'm dead.
Emerson: Yeah, different like purple and mauve.

*******

Emerson: Oh hang on a second, let me ask the money! (mimes getting a phone out of his jacket) Hey money! It's me, Emerson. I'm good. I'm good, yeah, thanks for asking. Say, can I still pay my bills and buy stuff with you even though you was Olive's money first? Uh-huh.
Ned: Wa... (Emerson quiets him with a hand gesture)
Emerson: Yeah, haha, okay then. Thanks! (hangs up imaginary phone) Hehehehehe (turns serious) The money don't care. Touch him.

*******

Olive: Promise you won't laugh?
Emerson: No.

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Ned: Do you really think people can change their lives by smelling the right smell.
Emerson: If so, I'm getting me some cash potpourri.

*****

Emerson: Death by scratch-'n'-sniff. What the hell happened to people shooting each other with guns?

*****

Ned : I can't keep lying to her.
Emerson: You ain't lying. The only way you're lying is if she asks the question, (imitates Chuck) "Hey, did you kill my father when you brought your mother back, which I didn't know about because you never told me?" (normal voice) Don't tell her.

*****

Emerson: Oh no, see, this is how it all ends. Some weird guy comes in saying stuff that don't make no sense. And by the time your head realizes "Hey, this weird guy makes no sense," your guts are all over the window.

*****

Emerson: I mean it's a broad generalization, but my guess is that an attractive man who makes pies for a living shouldn't even spend a short amount of time in prison.

*****

Emerson: Well, that idea might make a stupid idea feel better about itself.

*****

Emerson: Scratching an itch only makes it itchier. This is my itch, and I sure as hell don't want you scratching it understood?
Ned: Understood. No more scratching. My itches or yours.

*****

Ned: What if Steve Kaiser was right; life just adds up to one big calculation where you add up all the good you've ever done and subtract all the bad and... after what I've done... what if Chuck and I don't add up.
Emerson: Oh you add up... to zero
Ned: Zero?
Emerson: As in zero interest in discussing it

*****

Emerson: We are giant, enormous idiots. And don't you say "gi-normous" because that ain't a word.

*****

Emerson: Do I look like a damn Ouija board?