Répliques de Ned

Saison 1

 

 

Ned: I wish I could give you an emotional Heimlich so you could cough up that fear and anxiety, but I can't.

 

*****

 

Emerson: I'm glad you did it. It makes the worst thing I ever did seem insignificant.
Ned: Listen to you, all judgy judge.
Emerson: "Judgy judge"?

 

*****

 

Emerson: You know what? We all have childhood issues, okay? Believe me, I got the full subscription, okay? Horror stories!
Ned: I kind of killed her dad when I was ten.
Emerson: Maybe not horror stories.

 

*****

 

Chuck: I'll be so mad if you're lying, you'll have me scratching the drapes.
Ned: I'm not lying. Please don't attack the window treatments.

 

*****

 

Olive: How was your convention?
Ned: Conventional. How's Digby?
Olive: A little neurotic. He's a very needy dog. Do you pet him? Maybe if you pet him every once in a while, he wouldn't be so neurotic.
Ned: I pet him. I'm allergic, so I don't actually touch him, but I pet him.
Olive: With a stick? How do you pet him?
Ned: A stick is involved but it's more like a handle to a p-p-p-petting device.
Olive: Your dog needs to be touched. (seductively) We all need to be touched.
Ned: You touch him, other people have touched him.
Olive: (moving Ned's hands to her shoulders) He's your dog. Do you, uh, touch anything?
Ned: Of course. I touch lots of things.
Olive: With affection? When was the last time someone touched you with affection?
Ned: I get touched. Could you get Digby's leash now?
Olive: Hmmmmmmmm...
Ned: (to Digby) You don't mind that I don't touch you, do you?

 

*****

 

Emerson: Well, who died instead?
(Ned shows Emerson the funeral director's obituary.)
Ned: It's sort of a random proximity thing.
Emerson: Bitch, I was in proximity!

 

*****

 

Chuck: Thanks for calling me "Chuck." Do you know no one's called me Chuck since...since you.
Ned: I used to, when I lived next door to you, I had a cr... I was in...You were my first kiss.
Chuck Yeah? You were my first kiss, too. Do you wanna be my last kiss? First and last? Or is that weird?
Ned: That's not weird; it's magical.

 

*****

 

Ned: I hate to be a bad host, but I'm sort of exhausted from chasing your coffin.

 

*****

 

Chuck: Was this really an act of kindness? Me. Here. Were you really trying to do something good for no other reason then to help me?
Ned: I was being selfish. I'd love to tell myself I was being unselfish, but I know deep down in my primal sweet spot I was being unselfish for selfish reasons. I just thought my world would be a better place if you were in it.

 

*****

 

Chuck: You can't just touch somebody's life and be done with it.
Ned: Yes I can, that's how I roll.

 

*****

 

Chuck: You said you wanted to know who killed me so that justice could be served. See, I don't think that "Justice" was on the menu. Maybe as a side dish, but not as an entrée.
Ned: It was most definitely an entrée. It was a Special of the Day. Could we drop the metaphor? I wouldn't have known you had died if it wasn't for the reward.
Chuck: When were you going to tell me?
Ned: In the morning or whenever it came up--whichever didn't come first.

 

*****

 

Chuck: I can't even hug you? What if you need a hug? A hug can turn your day around.
Ned: I'm not a fan of the hug.
Chuck: Then you haven't been hugged properly. It's like an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breath again.
Ned: That's fine for someone else to do if I'm choking on something other than emotion, but you can't touch me.
Chuck: So a kiss is out of the question?
Ned: I've lost my train of thought.

 

*****

 

Emerson: Sounds like you're a narcoleptic.
Ned: I suffer from sudden and uncontrollable attacks of deep sleep?
Emerson: What's the other one?
Ned: Necrophiliac.

 

*****

 

Ned: I asked you not to use the word "zombie." It's disrespectful. Stumbling around squawking for brains? It's not how they do. And "undead"? Nobody wants to be "un"-anything. Why begin a statement with a negative? It's like saying "I don't disagree." Just say you agree.
Emerson: Are you comfortable with "living dead"?
Ned: You're either living or your dead. When you're living, you're alive. When you're dead, that's what you are. But when you're dead and then you're not, you're alive again. Can't we say "alive again"?

 

*****

 

Ned: (to Chuck about how she's not useless) Useless is an empty soap dispenser in the restroom standing around reminding people what you could be doing, but doing nothing at all.

 

*****

 

Ned: What's great about knowing? When you lift up a rock, do you find whipped cream? No, you find bugs. I say "no" to knowing.

 

*****

 

Emerson: What's she's doing here?
Ned: She says she didn't climb out of a coffin for me to keep her in a box.

 

*****

 

Bernard Slaybeck: Why is everything so blurry?
Ned: Probably because your eyeballs are flat.

 

*****

 

Chuck: (about the plastic glove in the car between the front seats) What is that?
Ned: It's for... um... steering emergencies.
Narrator: He lied.
Chuck: Perfect. That's what I thought.
Narrator: She lied, too.

 

*****

 

Ned: Chuck...
Chuck: I hate the back!
Ned: Dead. Again. Forever.
Chuck Fine.

 

*****

 

Narrator: At that moment, the Pie Maker felt a mixture of happiness and trepidation.
Ned: Why is it always a mixture?

 

*****

 

Chuck: I don't know anything about you since you were nine.
Ned: Well, it's pretty much I bake pies and wake the dead. I live a very sheltered life.

 

*****

 

Ned: (lying to the Coroner) We're from the government safety place?
Emerson: Was that a question?
Ned: (more convincingly) Government safety place.
The Coroner: (suspiciously) Mmmm-hm.

 

*****

 

Ned: (to Chuck, outside the morgue) You really can't come in.
(cuts to Emerson, a very present Chuck, and Ned standing inside the morgue)
Ned: Did I say can? Because I swallow my consonants sometimes. N't. N't. Can't come in.

 

*****

 

Ned: Can we not say kill? I touch them again is all, and they snap right back to the way they're supposed to be.

 

*****

 

Ned: It's not like I walk around reviving childhood sweethearts willy-nilly.

 

*****

 

Chuck: Is this strange?
Ned: This is not strange. Unusual, maybe. Eccentric in a quaint way like dessert spoons.

 

*****

 

Emerson: She the boss of you?
Ned: I'm the boss of me.
Emerson: Dead girl's gotta go.
Ned: Dead girl's not going anywhere.
Emerson: You don't know nothing about her, except that she had soft lips when she was 10.
Ned: That should be enough.

 

*****

 

Chuck: I was having conversations with myself.
Ned: What did you guys talk about?

 

*****

 

Ned: You framed someone for a murder, you ass!
Wilfred Woodruff: I had no choice.
Ned: Of course you did. Everything we do is a choice: oatmeal or cereal, highway or side street, kiss her or keep her. We make choices and we live with the consequences. If someone gets hurt along the way we ask for forgiveness. It's the best anyone can do.

 

*****

 

Ned: Louis Schatz is a big fat liar. And I say fat in reference to his size as a liar, not as a judgment of his physical appearance.

 

*****

 

Lawrence Schatz: Hey, how did I die? Did somebody kill me? Hey, did Louis kill me?!
Ned: Nobody killed you, per se.
Chuck: Yes they did. It was so that I could live.
Ned: It wasn't personal, I didn't pick you, the selection is purely random, but it didn't help that you were in the next room.

 

*****

 

Emerson: I need to chat with Lawrence Schatz before he goes into the ground. Tomorrow.
Ned: I'm not going back to that funeral home. It's returning to the scene of a crime, that's just sloppy.

 

*****

 

Emerson: You, on the other hand, made me an accomplice to a murder.
Ned: Stop saying that, I didn't murder anyone. There was no malice or forethought. Okay, maybe accidental, involuntary manslaughter.
Emerson: What? You accidentally, involuntarily let Dead Girl live?

 

*****

 

Chuck: Why are you running away?
Ned: Vertigo, dizzy, the room's turning, spinning. And I I think it's my shoes, they're probably stiff and they pinch and I, uh, I think they are cutting off my circulation.

 

*****

 

Ned: What did you say it was, besides mysterious?
Emerson: I have not yet expressed my opinion.
Ned: Would you care to express it now?
Emerson: My opinion is you need to take a coupon for this conversation and redeem it at another date.
Ned: I want to use my coupon now.
Emerson: Redeem it tomorrow. There's somebody in the county fridge you need to talk to.

 

*****

 

Chuck: Why is it only a minute?
Ned: Hm?
Chuck: A minute seems awfully arbitrary.
Ned: A minute's a long time, a lot can happen in a minute. Besides, the longer someone's around that some place could be around them the more likely it is that something will...happen. Not necessarily directly or by any fault of theirs but you know butterfly wings and such
Chuck: What about 'em?
Ned: They cause hurricanes.
Chuck: Oh, right. Am I a hurricane?
Ned: Little bit. But I, uh, I like the weather-
(Chuck cuts him off through a saran-wrap kiss)
Ned: You really shouldn't do that

 

*****

 

Chuck: Which birthday do I celebrate? I've got two of them now: The first day I was alive or the first day I was alive again?
Ned: The one that requires less explanation.

 

*****

 

Ned: I'm gonna see if I've got some plastic wrap.

 

*****

 

Ned: I made a choice and I'd do it again. I let Lawrence Schatz die and if I was faced with that choice right now I would make the same choice. You could put me in a loop and I'd make the same choice every time, that's how confident I am that it was the right choice for me to make. I'm sorry if that makes me a bad person, but... I'm not sorry that you're alive.

 

*****

 

(During a sword fight)
Wilfred Woodruff: You should know that I was thrice named ultimate sword master at the Southern Area Regional Volunteer Infantry Reenactment Regiment!
Ned: I wanted to be a Jedi!

 

*****

 

Chuck: There's so much I'm learning about you.
Ned: Such as?
Chuck: You're a romantic.
Ned: When the mood strikes.
Chuck: And you're jealous when the mood strikes.
Ned: Everyone's a little jealous. I mean, if you're not a little jealous you're probably... can we not talk about this?

 

*****

 

Ned: No, actually I want to talk about this. I could let it go, but like the cat, it will come back, which I wouldn't call annoying, but there's no really great way of saying half-annoying, which it is a little bit.
Chuck: See? Isn't this neat? Here we were thinking all we had was one big problem when in actual fact we have hundreds of little problems that we have got to to sort out before we even get to the big problem, which means we're like everybody else in the world.
Ned: Except I still can't catch you.

 

*****

 

 

Ned: You know what our problem is?
Chuck: If you're referring to the touching thing, I see it as more of an obstacle than a problem.
Ned: It's a pretty big obstacle.
Chuck: Not compared to our other problems.
Ned: We've got other problems?
Emerson: I'm going to kill myself

 

*****

 

Emerson: (to Chuck, about Lefty) Where did he go?
Chuck: Conrad? He was going to the bathroom.
Ned: He's not Conrad, he's the hijacker. And he's going to the bathroom in my kitchen.

 

*****

 

Ned: The plane was hijacked!
Becky Caden: How'd you come by that?
Ned: DNA... ish.

 

*****

 

Emerson: (a dead bird is accidentally brought to life by Ned) What is the rate of exchange on the life of a bird? Because if it's equal to or greater than mine I need to get back to my car.
Ned: I'm more concerned for that squirrel.

 

*****

 

Chuck: You do realize that bee keeping within city limits is completely illegal.
Ned: Yes, and I'm almost sure I don't care.

 

*****

 

Ned: Did you see the way he just swept in there?
Emerson: Yeah. So?
Ned: I don't sweep. I'm not a sweeper.
Emerson: Eh, it's a little showy.
Ned: It's a lot showy! And what's a rooftop full of bees compared to someone who can catch her when she falls? I can't catch her, Emerson.

 

*****

 

Emerson: Where did you bury your loot, Jack?
Jackson: Ha! Why should I tell you?
Ned: Good karma, it's like currency in the after-life.

 

*****

 

Jackson: (after being revived) I can't see anything. Am I blind?
Ned: Good news is you're not blind. Bad news is you're dead.

 

*****

 

Ned: It's raining dead birds.

 

*****

 

Chuck: (about Ned) You used to believe in ghosts. He used to think my aunts' house was haunted. We had a seance there one night... he peed his pants.
Ned: I did not... I knocked the hors d'oeuvres plate into my lap and the brie was runny.

 

*****

 

Ned: Digby and I have been together for a very long time. We're intimate, but it's the appropriate level of canine-human intimacy.

 

*****

 

Ned: You're the only one for me.
Chuck: I know you feel that now, but there are things you want, there's things we both want.
Ned: So? Everyone wants stuff. We wake up everyday with a list of wishes a mile long, and maybe we spend our lives trying to make those wishes come true, but just because we want them doesn't mean we need them to be happy.
Chuck: What do you need to be happy?
Ned: You.

 

*****

 

Ned: The only reason I didn't tell you is because it didn't mean anything. Lots of stuff happens in the course of a day that I don't bother sharing. For instance, yesterday's four-berry pie was actually three and a half because I ran out of cranberries. I didn't tell you that.
Chuck: Actually you did. You asked if orange counted as a berry and I said it didn't, but no one had to know but us.
Ned: I like that you said "us."

 

*****

 

Emerson: Uh, we need to prove Hallie Hundin was innocent.
Ned: Your conscience calls you on the telephone?

 

*****

 

Chuck: Four wives? That's just greedy!
Olive: And intriguing.
Emerson: Some people like vanilla, some like chocolate, others like their Neapolitan.
Ned: I like Neapolitan.
Emerson: Then you'd do well as a polygamist: one woman to have, one woman to hold.
Ned: Why? Why would you do that? For the record I'd make a horrible polygamist. I'm easily distracted, I wouldn't know where to focus...

 

*****

 

Harold Hundin: I wish I could've said goodbye to Bubblegum.
Ned: I have stick gum!

 

*****

 

Chuck: Are you watching me sleep?
Ned: Uh, no sorta. But mainly I was waiting for you to wake up and in the process of waiting for you to wake up I was... yes, I was watching you sleep.
Chuck: You do that a lot, don't you?
Ned: It's like watching you come back to life.
Chuck: Again.

 

*****

 

Emerson: LeNez's about to make a statement. And as witnesses to the most recent attempt on his life, we also have to make a statement. And that we don't include you.
Chuck: Why not? I witnessed the latest attempt.
Emerson: That don't change the fact that there's a grave out there that you're supposed to be in. What're you gonna tell people when they ask you who you are?
Chuck: I'll say that I'm somebody that I'm not.
Emerson: Oh! "Hey somebody, can I see some ID?"
Chuck: Oh! Then I'll be polite and say, "Oh, I'm sorry I forgot my purse and I've got no pockets."
Emerson: Uh huh... well, "Hey somebody see, now I'm gonna need to see some ID on the count that you look just like that dead girl that got herself killed on that tropical cruise."
Ned: Okay, if that happens I'll say something like "What is this? A police state?" (pause) If I ever say that it means I'm having a panic attack.

 

*****

 

Ned: It's The Pie Hole, not The Cupcake Hole.

 

*****

 

Ned: Surprise has never been a very good word for me.

 

*****

 

Chuck: You know, you could do with loosening up a bit.
Ned: I don't do loose. I prefer tightly wound. Not shapeless with extra room for surprises.

 

*****

 

Ned: We're not lost. We're following the yellow thick hose.

 

*****

 

Ned: Am I your boyfriend? And I realize boyfriend and girlfriend are familiar trite labels, but we never actually said it, and not that we need to define the relationship but... it may be helpful in a familiar trite way, the way on a holiday created to sell greeting cards it's still kinda nice to get a card, and are you gonna cut me off with a "yes" any time soon?
Chuck: Yes.

 

*****

 

Chuck: Guess what day it is today.
Ned: World Hello Day.
Chuck: Oh, you finally put up my calendar of obscure holidays.
Ned: Yes, and Hola!

 

*****

 

Ned: Candy might be sweet, but it's a traveling carnival blowing through town. Pie is home. People always come home.

 

*****

 

Ned: Which is to say, "Go lying." Or at least, "Yay for not telling the truth."

 

*****

 

Ned: I won't bring him back so you can watch me kill him again... I won't do that to you.

 

*****

 

Emerson: Scratching an itch only makes it itchier. This is my itch, and I sure as hell don't want you scratching it understood?
Ned: Understood. No more scratching. My itches or yours.

 

*****

 

Ned: What if Steve Kaiser was right; life just adds up to one big calculation where you add up all the good you've ever done and subtract all the bad and... after what I've done... what if Chuck and I don't add up.
Emerson: Oh you add up... to zero
Ned: Zero?
Emerson: As in zero interest in discussing it.

 

*****

 

Ned: You don't have to do this, Madeleine. Please put the gun and the bat down. Or definitely the gun.

 

*****

 

Coroner: My niece gave me this sweater.
Emerson: That thing's uglier then a chipmunk's ass.
Ned: He means the sweater, not your niece.

 

*****

 

Ned: But do you hate me?
Chuck: I have to hate you a little, just for a little while. But I can't do that if you stay
Ned: I don't want you to hate me, I'll stay.
Chuck: If you stay, I'll just end up hating you more. Just go.

 

*****

 

Emerson: Oh lord, please don't tell me I ain't dead.
Ned: You're not dead.
Emerson: And I can be not dead for longer than a minute?
Ned: There are no minutes involved. You will continue to be not dead, until you're dead. But I never undeaded you at any point.
Emerson: Good.

 

*****

 

Emerson: The Wish-A-Wish lady.
Ned: She's the kill-a-killer.